The Healer

After breaking up from a 23 year marriage and dad passing away a month later, confused and feeling pretty crap I thought it might be a good idea to see a therapist and see just how messed up I was. Considering everything that was going on at the time I was doing okay. Yvonne the therapist I spoke to asked me about my past and how I’d come to be where I was and what was currently going in my life, all the usual stuff they talk to you about. She was kind and welcoming with a warmth that made it easy to open up. Towards the end of the first session she looked at me and said “You’re a healer, you should feel good about yourself and what you do”. Those words have always stuck with me, it was a warming thought that I was doing something good in this crazy world. I’d never thought much of myself, self esteem has never been one of my strong points. It was nice to hear someone point out the good things you’d done
At the time I was living with mum, moving in just after dad died They’d been together for over 50 years so she took it pretty hard being alone, not having someone there to do the things dad had always done. There was also the difficult task of having his name removed from accounts and other places. sounds like an easy task but there were many nights where she was left in tears.  So figuring I needed somewhere to stay and mum needed the help.

After the separation I’d also stopped doing wildlife rescues which I’d been doing for the last 10 years. Something I loved doing despite the disheartening task of euthanizing so many animals that couldn’t be rehabilitated. It didn’t take long to realize it wasn’t all cute and cuddly animals. Many of the injuries were pretty gruesome, not for the faint hearted. The ones that were rehabilitated and released back to where they came from, more than made up for it. There was an immense feeling of satisfaction.

To add to the list she fed back to me, there had been a few girls around that time which I had built connections with, not your usually dating scenarios, a little more complicated and to difficult to explain in this little post. But what it came down to was they had a lot of issues and I got a certain satisfaction from offering support and helping them move forwards until the point where I wasn’t needed and they could move forwards by themselves. this seems to be a common theme with the relationships I fall into.

It was good to hear at the time and I guess it gave some clarity to much of what was going on inside my head.  Apart from my marriage to a narcissist, It seems I help them up to a better place and then  get left behind when they have the strength to move forwards and I’m not needed anymore. It sounds horrible but It’s really a beautiful thing, the feeling of knowing that you’ve helped someone rise up above the damage and scars they had been left with but I think the scars in me are building, Sometimes it feels like I’m slowly crumbling, it’s really hard letting go of someone you’ve made a deep connection with. But then you don’t give to make yourself feel good, you give to make someone else feel good and that what keeps me humble.

 

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